Online dating takes a new name

It has come to my attention that online dating is taking more of a presence in the relationship world.  And by online dating, I am not referring to Tinder,, eHarmony, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, Christian Mingle, Zoosk, Black People Meet, Senior People Meet, Sugar Daddy or even Ashley Madison, or the rest of those corporate smorgasbords.  No, not those “ideal” ways of online dating.  Instead, I am referring to your daily dose of internet use.  Your constant browse on social media.  Your simple tap of a friend’s online profile.  Yep.  This is really becoming a thing.  And to be quite honest, it used to really gross me out in the beginning, but now I’ve realized that those people were innovators.  Yes, creepy, creepy, social-media-stalking innovators.3236846-xsmall

 Let’s jump in:

Unknown-6Yep, LinkedIn.  This is really a thing.  People adding you, you know, for professional networking or some made up bullshit even though you CLEARLY aren’t in the same field and have no mutual networks.  How do they find you?  No clue.  How can they even add you if you’re not in the same network and they don’t have your email?  Still, no clue.  It’s the CIA of social media dating, and these people must’ve been the first Facebook creepers back in 2003.  At least they’ve upped their game and have a professional front this time around.


Unknown-3The deal about Facebook is that it’s our current most trusted form of social media.  Since the downfall of Myspace, we have come to grips as it being our social media parent, if you will.  Still, it’s a bit of a strange way for people to attempt to form some sort of romantic relationship.  This isn’t a modern form of You Got Mail.  Instead, it’s a mix of random people searching you out or people you knew previously but were/are too scared to speak to you in person.  Pick your poison here: creepy people from afar or creepy anti-social people that you currently know.

Facebook also allows for people maxresdefaultto set up their game like a Quagmire predator.  They begin to like old pictures, like or comment on your status, knowing that they never did this before.  It’s a pathetic way to get your attention.  Sadly, sometimes it works.

Lastly, Facebook is officially the weirdest place to currently find a relationship.  My family is now on Facebook.  Maybe if it was back in the day when it was required to have a college email to login, it COULD have been cool.  But having someone trying to holler at me on my status when my mom or one of my aunts cry about how much they love me, ehh, that’s just not my cup of tea.


Unknown-4This is becoming a new phenomenon that MAY actually be the most reputable; you only follow people who you care to hear what they say. Oh yeah, hardly any family members thrive here.

However, creeps still prey here as well.  Random retweets, direct messages, but it’s almost too much work for the typical social media creeper.  Along those lines, not many people have the patience for twitter or enough worthwhile thoughts to tweet something meaningful.

Unknown-5Instagram, oohhhh Instagram.  This is like drunk-after-the-club-and-it’s-3am central.  You put up photos that are only going to present you in the best light, of course, and naturally people are going to be enticed by your online sex appeal.  Selfies everywhere, half naked pictures everywhere, who wouldn’t go crazy?  Where the other social networks may’ve held the statuses of Match or OkCupid, Instagram is more of your Ashley Madison2493330C00000578-0-image-a-195_1420933633206 or Sugar Daddy.  It’s all about looks here.  Hell, people don’t even have to be able to hold a conversation or complete a full sentence.  As long as they do enough squats in the gym and take a picture afterwards, it’s all good.

Otherwise, if that wasn’t creepy enough, there are still the infamous direct messages, when people like your pictures from 132 weeks ago – clearly stalking your profile, and when people follow you but never post photos themselves.


There are some other setbacks to this “it seems safe” route of dating.

  • For one, c’mon, you look like a creep randomly adding people in which you have absolutely NO CLUE who they are.
  • Two, photo history tells a lot about a person.  This can be both good and bad.  Good in a sense that you can see their consistency of looks or interests.  Bad because you may see 99 million pictures of their ex, notice that they’re a bit of nerd, or that this person gets wasted and passes out on the street corner every Thursday night, waking up every Friday with a hangover.  It’s like a job interview.  It’s either going to be O.K. or really, really bad.
  • Next, you have to notice their friend-count. Do they not have friends?  Or if they have too many followers, what types of people are they adding?  So, they can either be anti-social or weird, or maybe an attention-whore?  Are they too open to following people who take those raunchy photos that are more than likely spam?
  • Fourth, how often do they use social media?  If they’re never there, that could be good, or they could just not be tech savvy.  We’re in the age of millennials.  If you’re not somewhat tech savvy, please re-evaluate your entire childhood and realize that we’re no longer using Nokia phones  or Walkmans.  Lose them somewhere in your parents’ basement.  Then again, if they are on social media all of the time, WHAT DO THEY DO FOR A LIVING THAT ALLOWS THEM THE TIME TO DO THIS?  Major questions, because not many people make dollars from FarmVille.
  • And finally, GRAMMAR.  GRAMMAR, GRAMMAR, GRAMMAR on social media will tell you NEARLY everything about a person.  Education, how much they care about what they’re saying, and if it’s worth it for you to have a meaningful conversation in your relationship.  This, I cannot compromise.

So, yes, more than likely, you’re already linked to a person with whom you may share some interest.  Otherwise, why would you be Facebook friends or why would you follow their Twitter rants?  Which also means, that you probably know them to a certain level.  And what better way is there to start a relationship than to begin as friends?  At least you know that they probably are not some ax murderer, if you can deal with the other misfortunes.



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