I’m Not Your Other Woman

Being the other woman is bullshit. It’s bullshit because you’re better than that and you never even asked for it.

But isn’t that how it always goes? Some dateship, courtship, relationship with a guy who you didn’t really see having anything, minding your own business and then he approaches you with his testosterone blah-blah-bullshit and gets your life caught up. Caught up in a situation that you didn’t even know existed. So, how do we solve the problem? Fuck him over before he fucks you over. Don’t ever let ANYONE control you.

Typically, I’m fairly conservative when it comes to the matter of even possibly playing “the other woman.” I absolutely disagree with being a homewrecker. Jennifer Lopez and Alicia Keys are far from my role models in terms of family life. I just think that it’s grounds for bad juju. Marriages and families have fallen apart because of unfaithful men and jealous women prying their way into a situation just to take charge in the game. I never agreed with it, and to this day I am completely against those who try to wiggle their way in a couple’s marriage. When children are involved, it’s even worse in my eyes. Not only is that homewrecker affecting his-or-her life, the cheating spouse, and then the unknowing spouse, but also those poor children who will have to deal with that shifty household environment.

However, the scenario changes for me when a family is not involved. I’m a bit less sympathetic. Maybe because nothing has been spiritually (or legally) bound at that point. And people make mistakes. Maybe it takes for you to meet me before you realize that you’ve been living your life wrong for the past few months. I don’t know. Regardless, there will be some flirtation but it will still stay pretty innocent.

Of course, when I was younger, it would break my heart if I had a boyfriend to cheat on me. Naturally, in my naive mind, I thought that we would be together forever. Fairytales and fluff and pixie dust, I thought that we would actually last or something. Not only was I so innocent to believe in such Mother Goose rhymes and Aesop fables, but I was optimistic in love. No matter what I saw on the outside, I wanted to have high hopes. 

As time has gone along, I’ve switched roles and been “victim” a few times of being the other woman. Majority of the time, I didn’t know. Well, O.K. …maybe I had an IDEA but not a clear view of the situation, which is how a typical guy will present his story. Never with enough information so that you can make a clear, concise, critical-thinking-type of choice where you won’t end up hating yourself the next day. Every time a guy and his girl had an argument, the guy would tell me how much he loved me. But of course, I took it with a grain of salt and, sure enough, everything would be pickled posies in a couple of days between the two. Another tried to make plans to travel to see me when he and his girlfriend had a disagreement, though we hadn’t dated in a couple of years. Other guys may not have thought that my brains matched my looks and just wanted to cheat on their girlfriends. And after having a conversation, they would realize that they wanted more than just a “fun” night with me and dreamed of “what if’s,” filling my head with ridiculous possibilities that were not probabilities. Every guy wants to have his cake and eat it too.

And, as women, we can be stupid enough and allow for them to have their cake, pie, ice-cream, gelato, pudding, cookies and everything else in between. Something has clicked in modern society for us to think that it’s O.K. to compete for this man, regardless if he’s already in a situation. We’re better than that, smarter than that, too beautiful for that to happen, so why be all right with being second place? Plenty of times, self-esteem comes into play, and we get some twisted high off of being able to “steal another woman’s man.” When in reality, we never stole him. He was just never emotionally bound to her in the first place (but that’s a whole separate story and it’s extremely selfish on his part).

If a man was in a relationship, I used to steer away. But as I’m getting closer to my 30s, still single and annoyed with mankind and this new narcissistic generation, I say FUCK HIS SHIT UP. Why not? They do it to us all of the time. They step into our subconscious, saying all of that cutesy pillow-talk blah blah blah only to pull out of the situation when it becomes too much for them. So, why place the ball in their court? Take charge and do whatever the fuck you want. I mean, if you desire a relationship with the guy, that may be different. But if you just want to go on a date, get a new outfit, or maybe have someone put together that new shelf you bought off from Amazon, go for it. Run that well dry and have a couple of others on deck to keep you preoccupied.

There are so many references in modern culture of a woman being O.K. playing the role as a secret lover. Songs, movies, celebrities live these lives that the rest of us can hardly juggle. Maybe we think it’s fine because it has been allowed so much. You’re supposed to fight for what you want. I’m all for fighting, and I’m definitely a competitor, but when is there actually ever any room for romance instead of a boxing ring? When can you stop thinking in the back of your mind whether or not you’re the top priority? And what kind of “fighter” is cool standing on the sidelines?

Besides, if you don’t take control, emotions can get the best of you. Especially if you had even a tiny ounce of hope. Don’t let them own you. Either take hold of the reins or just take a different path altogether.

All in all, I don’t think that I will ever be comfortable being the other woman. As someone who typically does not get jealous, I would and have definitely held a green eye in this situation. It would just completely take me outside of my typical realm and character. Relationships are so much trickier with three people. Two is enough. But if I can’t imagine having a threesome with everyone involved, it’s just not worth it.


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